#a persecutor of ours keeps fronting and trying her best to get better

[dandelion-system]

If I could ask one thing of my mum it’s that she stopped calling alters ‘invaders’ or ‘intruders’. We all have a right to live in this body and experience whatever emotions we want. Our palatability to you does not mean we shouldn’t get to be here.

[syscultureis]

ok hi um. prev anon here. what do we do if theres an alter in here whos a really bad person and who’s hurting a little and we dont know what to do. we’re like pretty new to being a system and we’re not an adult bodily and we sort of just dont know what to do cause we’re new to this

It's a hard situation because the best way to handle it changes from alter to alter

We had a really bad persecutor who was just horrible and nothing we did fixed it or helped, he just eventually mellowed out on his own

Another who we found (extremely) long walks helped him calm down and start to learn to be better (as well as several other less than ideal coping mechanisms but they don't harm the body and they help him so we let it slide)

I technically still am a persecutor and I'll admit I'm awful to the rest of the system (denial holder 🤙) and we're still figuring out how to help me out and I'm trying pretty hard myself too, so it's give and take here

Another persecutor who all it took was showing her she was hurting us and not helping and she fixed it like that

Another who is just awful to all of us, she's an introject of our own intrusive thoughts. Rn all we can do is try not to let her front (which we do not recommend, it's not healthy, it's not easy, and honestly I think it just pushes her deeper into her shit), but one of our gatekeepers says he's started to get a handle and he's found a few things that help. Idk what it is though

We did also have a persecutor at one point who was determined to hurt a specific little we have, we just had to keep them separated until we helped her calm down and now she's super protective of the little.

At the end of the day it's trial and error and it kinda really sucks, but there's no real fix it to that kind of issue. I recommend trying to talk it out, but it really does just depend on the alter

*our advice is based on personal experience and may not encompass all experiences or work for every situation

[multiplicity-positivity]

hello! We're new to the internet lingo of systems, but everything we've learned so far has been extremely helpful with understanding/organizing our system (we've sent some asks in the past hehehe)

We was wondering if you had any advice for alters who hurt the system? (they're called persecutors, I think)

She's an introject / factive (I really hope these are the right terms) of our abuser, and we think (our caretaker thinks lol) she was formed in order to "keep us in line" and keep us from getting even more hurt. But we don't live with our abuser anymore (two years of therapy and counting!) and her behavior has gone from toxic to just another form of abuse. We've tried to get her to talk to our therapist, but nothing's worked.

She's able to (kind of) control who fronts, who gets what memories, etc. and we have literally no idea how-

hey… we also have an introject of an abuser in our system (you are indeed using the correct terms here btw). we really feel for y’all, and we hope things get better for you soon.

we have a post that we wrote specifically for handling and working with system persecutors, violent headmates, and those who aim to cause harm. here it is:

of the persecutors in our own system, only one has actually made it to therapy before. and the introject of our abuser has definitely never fronted in therapy. still, we’ve been able to make some progress with this part through talking to our therapist about how this part behaves, relaying messages between them, and trying to listen to both parties to the best of our abilities. it can be tricky sometimes, because interacting with this factive can trigger certain parts, even when he isn’t doing anything particularly harmful or malicious.

we had another link to an article for therapists and patients that discusses steps to working with abuser parts… it’s a really good article, but we haven’t been able to find the link. we are so sorry about this, because it would have been a great article for y’all to pass along to your therapist. we don’t feel confident enough to try and relay the information that was in that article, we’re so sorry about this!

truly, most of our best advice that we as a system can give will be in the post we linked above. we’d encourage y’all to try and interact with the introject in your system in positive ways as often as you feel comfortable and able to. also, it would probably be good to remind yourselves that this introject is not literally your abuser, even if she often feels, looks, and acts like it. she can’t help who her source is, and while her source impacts how she behaves and lives her life, she is not the one who abused your system. for us, this has been a difficult yet essential distinction to make with our own abuser part.

it’s great that y’all have been bringing concerns about this alter to therapy. we really hope y’all will continue to talk to your therapist about her! progress often happens quite slowly, so y’all might be taking small steps towards healing with your abuser introject more than anyone realizes.

we hope this helps, even if it’s only a little bit. so sorry we couldn’t provide more useful, applicable, or realistic advice. it can be really challenging having an introject of our abuser in our system, for everyone involved, including that introject themself! but they are an alter in need of healing, patience, and kindness, just like everyone else. we really hope that y’all will be able to achieve this for her in the future.

[bstroobery]

Made some system memes extremely specific to our system.

Explanation of the last one under the cut for anyone curious I guess??

- Johnny Ghost

Warnings for the explanation/rant(???): mentions of bullying, allusions to suicide, explanation of trauma (possibly seen as trauma dumping I guess??)

We have a bad habit of not defending ourselves when things happen, mostly because last time we did defend ourselves, we ended up being the “villains” and no one believed a word of what we said.

Anyway, we were bullied in middle school because a toxic ex friend decided to spread misinformation about stuff we did (making roleplays out to be real life, straight up lying and saying we did things we didn’t do, etc).

Fast forward 6 years. We befriend someone, and they remind us a lot of that toxic ex friend. Many alters are made extremely uncomfortable by them and refused to come near the front because of that. Blue themselves eventually became uncomfortable around this person too, though never admitted it because they’re a friend.

I will admit: we did do some bad things while friends with this person. But Y’know what we did? We apologized and fixed our behavior the second it was brought to our attention (we lack socialization skills and still need help figuring out what’s right and wrong in a conversation). One of which was purposefully triggering that person because it had been done to us multiple times. Even though we said we didn’t like it, the people who did it never apologized and called us sensitive.

However, the behavior was called out. We apologized. We tried to make it right. This happened months ago.

Fast forward another month and we break the friendship off because it’s not healthy. We try and be the adults. Ex-Friend makes another close friend of ours block us, even though they didn’t want to. We got extremely triggered by this. And I mean extremely.

Sierra, one of our protectors/persecutors (we love her anyway. She’s still learning. Give her time. She’s an introject of the first toxic friend from middle school), was the only one who was able to process stuff. Keep in mind, she was 13. She handled the entire situation poorly, calling those two out in a discord server we were active in before leaving. One of the mods reached out to us and Sierra explained everything the best she could, as she had also been dormant since 2018 and had been harshly triggered to the front by the situation. Dream managed to pull herself together and explain that she kept a mental list of the issues that were present in the relationship.

Sadly, we didn’t have any of the physical evidence because we were trying to remain mature about the situation and wanted to move more towards forgiveness than pettiness. Ex-friend had no intent of forgiving apparently, as when the mods had talked to them, they spoke about the things we had done as if they had recently happened and weren’t from a month ago or things we had apologized for and tried to do better on.

One of those things was something Simon (Book) had said to them in a moment of panic, not knowing what to do in the situation present at the time (an alter of ex-friend’s threatening to hurt the body of ex-friend). He said something he deeply regrets, and we won’t say what that is because he has indeed moved on from that. Even when he said it, he didn’t mean anything by it. It was a mental script of sorts in response to a traumatic situation for us that also caused us to relive old trauma as toxic ex-friend had been someone who would threaten to hurt themself if it meant getting their way. (Hell, they even blamed us for their attempted self-delete because we didn’t answer the phone while at a family Christmas party).

We now are dealing with the aftermath of having multiple people block us because of this. We received a ban from the discord server for purposefully triggering someone, and it appears that no one is really interested in our side of the story, mostly because Sierra’s immediate response when we received the ban was delete all social media so that all of these triggers and things could go away and not hurt the system anymore. She was a 13 year old thrown into a very stressful situation. We have recently talked to her, and she is growing up rather quickly in the system as well. She has since learned from her mistakes.

Simon and Sierra are truly sorry for what they did and how it had ended up hurting the system. However, we have expressed our care for them and how we forgive them for what happened, as they are attempting to better themselves based off of their mistakes.

And that’s what upsets me the most. We’re healing, yes, but it still hurts to have people we once thought of as friends block us when we never even explained our side of the story because we were acting in a fight or flight manner due to the extremely triggering and traumatic situation we were thrown in.

In both instances, both parties are at fault. Not one or the other. We reacted poorly to these situations due to them being extremely traumatic for us. It’s why we’re perfectionists, because every time we make a mistake this is what happens. We never explain our side of the story because it always ends with us never being believed.

But we’re moving on, and we’re healing. Slowly but surely. It just sucks that we can barley interact with the Taleblr tag now because a lot of people who we followed blocked us.

It just takes some time, I guess. :)

We just kinda needed to get that out there. Won’t drop names because we aren’t trying to call people out or cancel them. Just trying to explain the meaning behind the last two memes I made.

[the-er-system]

System gatekeeper here. I wanted to add that sometimes you really don’t have a choice. We’ve got a few persecutors, and two of them are very well integrated into the system. One, however, is not. She’s an abuser introject and she’s also my sister. What she says and does is harmful to everyone in the system, especially her two kids (age 15 and 10) and the host. She doesn’t want to change no matter how hard I try to explain to her how she hurts others.

I’ve tried to ask her to stay away from headspace (which is what we call the co-con area to discern it from the rest of the innerworld). But there ends up being massive (physical and verbal) fights as she tries to force her way in anyways. I have a million other things to manage in order to keep the system safe, I don’t have time to fight my sister 24/7 because she’s mad I won’t let her neglect and abuse her ten year-old daughter anymore. (Her older son ran away years ago and has been living with friends).

If we’re to help her become better, she has to want to do that. She doesn’t want to change. We don’t have access to therapy right now, so we can’t get her professional help either. Although we all need that. So I had to make the decision to lock her in the “restricted area” only I can access. I go see her often to check in and bring her things she needs, and right now that’s the best I can do.

I know she’s a person (for Christ’s sake I grew up with her and we’re both in our 40s). But she’s so bent on doing harm while insisting it’s the best thing for us and I can’t change her mind. None of us can get through to her and, again, we don’t have access to the professional help we need. Not for lack of trying, mind you, it’s just that no medical professional wants to deal with our complicated case.

You should absolutely try to integrate your persecutors if you can. Because they are people too. Jason is usually off doing his own thing but he still is close to his sisters and often co-fronts with our youngest (the aforementioned 10 year-old) to look after her when her adoptive dad’s aren’t around. Jo is best friends with the host and lives with them. She and her service dog hang around co-con often and we all love having her around. Both are hurting and need help and we do our best to give it to them.

But my sister doesn’t want that help and she repeatedly does harm, so until she decides she wants to be better and we can get her professional help, I have to keep her locked away from the others. It’s hard and I deal with a lot of guilt but I have to do what’s best for the system. Especially our most vulnerable members.

Don't. I repeat. Do not lock away your persecutors.

This is not a healthy practice and leads to way more issues down the road. They are human. They are hurting. Don't do it.

I'm going to speak from personal experience here. We used to lock away our two persecutors under the claim that it was for our safety.

It was only through therapy that we found out just how inhumane this was and how much we had hurt them. One of them posts on this blog and is an active part in our recovery process. One of them still refuses to communicate with us years later and justifiably so...

What we should have done was give them a space to express their feelings and provide them with coping mechanisms to try. This is what we're doing now. This is what we should have done in the first place.

Give your persecutors a safe space. Give them a home. They are proof of a hurting child who struggled to survive. They are hurting and angry and villainizing them hurts them more. Don't lock them away.

[thecirculararchive]

Hi. I know there's an awful stereotype of the 'evil' alter, and I don't want to perpetuate that stigma. However, I'm having problems with a certain alter (and former host) who is a danger to the system. I was wondering if it's possible to try to keep her away from the front? If so, do you have any tips to do so? Also, am I responsible for what she does?

Hey there Anon! Lots of things to address here. Let’s go one by one :)

1. The stereotype of the evil alter is bullshit - and by that I mean, alters can be bad. The fact that it’s a stereotype should never stop you from acknowledging that it’s your situation, and you shouldn’t feel bad in any way that you have a stereotypical alter. We had the same - Debra, our persecutor. She did things, both to us and others, that weren’t good. She’s still not great tbh, but much better than she used to be. Regardless - stereotypes are stupid, but blaming yourself for your experiences is worse. Just wanted to get that outta the way.

Wanna TW the next part. Fair warning: It deals with some self-harm stuff and “killing” alters (forced into dormancy).

2. “Keeping her away from the front” is NOT the option I would suggest. Story time! We tried that with Debra. Debra’s specific brand of persecutor was the kind who harmed the body, because it wasn’t hers, and she was so much better than it. It was thankfully mostly mental abuse, but it was bad. When she would front, she would start fights, badmouth people, and purposely try to isolate me. So… we killed her! We couldn’t stop her from fronting, so… Numb dropped a giant rock on her.

She obviously came back later. You can’t kill alters. And she was furious (rightfully). Denying her from fronting for so long, killing her, she was so angry that now she was frequently fronting. The only, ONLY thing, that really changed her was our best friend. BF spoke to Debra about her behavior and gave her the bitch slap she needed - which only happened BECAUSE she was fronting.

My suggestion to you is to find a support system (online or otherwise) and talk as directly to this alter as possible. Find out motivations for their behavior - they have to have something, even if they don’t admit it at first. Try to reason with her, and absolutely make compromises. “You can front more often if you promise not to be a bitch” was our compromise with Deb. Make it work for your system!

And 3. Yes. Yes, you are responsible. If your alter bitch slaps someone, and you switch in, you should still apologize for her behavior. If she stabs someone, you’re the one who gets them to the hospital. You need to right there wrongs she does, and I know, that sucks, because she’s not even *you*, but the thing is… she is. She’s a fragment of you who’s likely angry. So righteously furious that she has these behaviors. And if you were a singlet, one who is sometimes angry, and who sometimes lashes out, you would still be expected to apologize for your behavior. DID is the same.

Hope this helps, and good luck. There is hope for “evil” alters. Deb is now a fandom loving nerd, and while she still seeks fights online, it’s a lot healthier now. (Note: still not super healthy, but improved.)

[caramelapple-system]

19.11.21

It was another early morning to get through just because we were asked for it. They asked to keep them company when they would run their errands in town. We were at their place around noon and we were welcomed by Krzysiek. He was the one that got us to the bus stop. Once there, Monique got out cause she was oh so eager to walk again. A little walk wouldn't kill even them, so a walk it was. We got to a store on our way. Well, Piers bought us some stuff, mostly food, but of course he wasn't going to eat it. He was replaced by our little reptile but it was too cold for him to even finish eating. The knight in shining armor had to take his place but he wasn't even recognized by the others. He wasn't offended, we had a pretty good laugh about it in the end. When everything was done and closed, we caught a bus to get to our date spot. They even talked to a random woman on the bus which was... a bit surprising but not bad after all.

We didn't even have to wait to be kicked out the moment we got to the park. It was awfully awkward at first but Grzesiek was trying his best to talk about something, like their past in the music academy or the nearby playground, or anything that came to his mind at the moment. We kicked pebbles around and it honestly helped us feel better around each other in the end. Yeah, when I feel better around folks, I walk in a different way, big deal. Grzesiek felt bad but ignored it well enough to walk up some stairs and even talk me into taking some pics. I agreed but I wasn't too willing to do so at first.

We got to the more unkept part of the park but that was the finish line for Grzesiek. According to their system, he passed out in their Headspace and had to be replaced by Artur. I stepped back to let our host spend some time with him and talk, and even try helping him keep his balance depite their hurt leg. They decided to get a bus to one of the malls. A few their switches later Monique was the one on the bus with us.

We had to switch busses and Margot got out to wait with the host at a bus stop. The next bus we got on was our doom bus, in a way. We saw our grandma there but we were really xx lucky that she didn't walk too close to us. We could go on our marry way after she got out.

Dominique really wanted to try some new McDonald's menu, so she was the one to front at the mall first. When the food's involved, 90% of the time the dragon gets out cause he's always (and I mean it) hungry. Not sure if it was to impress someone or not but he got two trays at once and got to one of the tables without spilling a drop. The main topic to talk about was obviously food but it was... fine, good to see him opening to people. We were supposed to get some ice cream after, so Lance got out to eat it with his princess Claire (the Slytherins laughed at her that she's like a cow with her second stomach for sweets). Even she couldn't handle all the food, so he had to finish her ice cream. And he even liked it more than the one he got for himself.

They went for a little walk after eating, so they could handle it somehow. The place they wanted to get to was closed for good, so they decided to go somewhere else. Artur had to get out at some point to save Claire from something that could possibly trigger her but he ended up having a long nice talk with Lance about anything and everything all at the same time. They backed off just at the door to let me nad Grzesiek out again.

After the first round of beer I got actually asked out. It was awfully sappy but... honestly? I wasn't complaining. I said yes. Two fuckin persecutors got together but I think that both our systems are actually pretty happy about it. Why? No idea. We wanted to get some mulled beer but it was actually pretty cold. But hey, SOMEONE noticed and we got two extras on the house. A shot to go for each of us and we'd be gone. Grzesiek didn't pay much attention to the fact that it was a pretty public space and actually kissed me right on the mouth. Way to go.

Was it too much alcohol? Yes and no.

We almost got to their flat but just before we got in, he kissed me again. Not gonna lie, it wa pretty passionate. I liked it and it only got better when he pushed me agianst the nearest wall. It turned me on enough to remder me basically useless at the moment. To make things even worse, these mfers decided to keep me at the front to most likely make fun of me. Grzesiek backed off immediately and honestly? Being awfully turned on AND mad is a pretty bad combo. I know that he didn't want to push it but...

It went fast from there and the alcohol only added to that. We got on the bed and Grzesiek basically sat on top of me to kiss me and bite my lips. How could he know about it? I was shivering under his bites and kisses. We started dry humping each other and... well, one time wasn't enough for me. It was an obvious surprise to Grzesiek but he didn't deny me that. As if... I got satisfied twice nad I had no regrets about it. Even if it meant me basically passing out. He decided to let Margot out after that, so she could use one of the songs to pull our host out as well.

The two kissed but somewhere in the middle the dragon popped out and it made him awfully embarrassed. He ended up falling asleep right across the bed but he was making distressed noises in his sleep. He was left alone both in and out and he absolutely HATES it. Margot tried helping him with hugs... it helped but she had to do it a few times.

Piers got out some time later to talk to Annabelle about stuff but of course it ended up awkward as all hell. Really, man? Can't you do one thing right?

Our host had to go for the last possible bus there was, even knowing that the morning shift was right ahead. Getting up after less than 4 hours of sleep wasn't something that crossed anyone's mind at that time. Of course.

[mental-health-advice]

So I noticed one of my mental parts (unsure about using the term "alter" as we have no full diagnosis) sent something here a while back. He tagged it as 🔧. I thought I might go into some stuff that happened? Although I can't recall a whole lot. There have been more issues at home and valounteer work, one day almost pushing me to a s**cide attempt but I got kicked out for the day. Things didn't get any better from there. I dont remember anything until my birthday in mid October where I had a meltdown and was sent to a mental hospital and had to do my best to not be kept there. Almost everyone forgot about my birthday that day too. Since more stuff happened with a close friend who one of our littles felt safe around and, without her knowing, actually coming out in front of her to cuddle. Said friend foesnr know about the parts... tbf I cant call her friend anymore. She straight up told me she hasn't seen me as such for a long time a few days ago and I feel lied to and betrayed and honestly am hurt more than if she had been honest from the start. I don't remember most stuff that was more so contributing to me wanting to go dormant or "lock myself inside" because my brain most likely locked it away from me. I just know I don't want to be here any longer but can't put anyone through me literally dying. So... closest thing I got ig? I also cant go to therapy for a while because my co worker caught covid so that's wonderful.

Off topic from this, I've been feeling like I've been faking my parts or dissociative symptoms?? Because the parts were gone for a bit (the one who sent smth here was indeed cocon during my birthday thing... doing his job and trying to calm me down). Since mid October until a few days ago I haven't heard from any of the parts and they only really came back after the fallout with that one friend. Especially the littles, as I had felt horrible and cried a lot so they'd be out since they're usually pretty happy kids when they're out at least. However communication between the parts and me has worsened. Primary protector and primary caretaker I still haven't heard from. The teen persecutor(?) as well. Only the secondary protector /caretaker 🔧 and the two littles (about 3 & 5-7 yo) which makes me even more worried I'm faking. Or maybe they're mad at me... who knows...

-🌺🦚

(Note; I usually wouldn't share the littles information. But as this is anonymous and it's only their ages without any further context about them I am hoping it's safe/okay)

Hey there,

Wow it sounds like you and your other parts have been through quite a lot recently. I am so sorry that you ended up in hospital on your birthday and that because of this almost everyone forgot about your birthday – that must have been a really hard time for you!

I know of a few people that have different parts that come out when they are needed (like for you) and it is normal to not hear from them in a while. Their job is to help protect you and keep yourself safe when you are not able to or if you just need a break from everything. I know how scary it can be not being able to remember things for a period of time, but when you are strong enough to remember those things then the memories should come back to you in time. What’s most important is your safety and that you get through all of this alive!

It must also be tough not being able to seek therapy at the moment due to being in quarantine for covid-19 but is it at all possible to contact your therapist via a phone call (if you have one currently) I also know that a lot of therapy places may offer support and help on skype or other media platforms like that, so this something you could look into and especially in the short-term? I also want you to know that you can also always contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling. I know it’s not the same as seeing a therapist who specialises in what you are going through but it’s someone you can talk to at least in a safe environment. Just something to keep in mind!

From what you have told me and what your other parts have sent in, I do not think you are faking your symptoms or your other parts at all. Like I mentioned above they will most likely only come out when and only if they are really needed to help keep you safe and it can also take a really long time to be able to have better communication with them as they will not be likely to want to overwhelm you with everything if that makes sense. So please don’t be too hard on yourself, you are already going through so much!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope you’re doing OK!

Take care

Lauren

[resistance-squad]

I really like and appreciate the point about needing to earn the trust of persecutory or otherwise aggressive alters & about the others feeling like persecutors to them. We've been dealing with some things like this recently so I want to add my take too.

I (🐅) think sometimes hosts in particular have this unconscious idea that the rest of the system should trust and, for lack of a better word, obey them, just because they're the host. Our host would describe it differently but she acknowledges that she did used to feel that way on some level. (She also wants me to add that it's probably not exclusive to hosts, like protectors and gatekeepers can also get into that mindset, and I think that's accurate.)

When people get into that mindset, they don't realize that a lot of the time they haven't given the other alters any reason to trust them. I don't think there are a lot of systems who get as far as diagnosis without having hurt each other emotionally (if not physically) a few times. Like for us, when one of us would have a trauma reaction (or actually any reaction) the host didn't understand and take over, if she remembered it, she felt a lot of shame around that, which we experienced as being shamed for existing. And she never ever wanted us to talk. I don't know how to explain how bad it feels to be unwanted in your own head but I gotta say it doesn't exactly build trust or wanting to cooperate. (On the host's side, she experienced us as making her say things she never wanted to say, and then she also felt like she had to cover for us, so it was hard for her too. Us popping out and saying things she didn't want to say didn't exactly help her want to trust us, either.)

Actually, to be frank, I think some alters in our system used to resent the host. She got to be the one fronting for almost all the fun stuff in our life, but whenever things got hard, someone else took over for her and if it was really bad then she didn't even have to know about it. (I was co-conscious enough to see that her having trauma reactions she didn't understand and super high anxiety and stuff meant life wasn't exactly sunshine and roses for her either. But the ones who didn't see that had a different perspective.) It's easy to feel thrown under the bus.

So with all that, sometimes the host or someone like that has to be the one to apologize first. Even if they think they shouldn't have to. Even if the other alter has done stuff that was hurtful. You can apologize to them for that they've had to carry a horrible role, and for all the times they went unheard, and for all the years they've been alone with their pain, and that they went through horrible stuff nobody should have ever had to go through, and that you've had a hard time understanding what they really need. And you can tell them that you appreciate how hard they've been working to try to keep you safe, even while you're also hoping to help them do it differently, but because that IS what they're trying to do, they're just doing it in a super backwards way now. And you can try to help them understand that you're safe now (if that's true), that you're an adult and away from the trauma (again, if that's true), and so they don't have to protect you like that anymore. Not just because it's painful for you but because it's also painful for them.

They probably won't believe you the first time you say it. But keep trying to show them that it's true. If there's anything safe that you know or suspect makes them happy (and won't be triggering to the rest of the system), try doing that. But preferably don't just do it like "if I'm nice to you, will you FINALLY be nice to me???"... because they're probably going to see through that. But I think if you're feeling skeptical about it, it's ok to be like, "I'm still getting to know you too. And I'd really like to understand you better and be able to work together, but I'm still feeling kind of nervous too. I promise I'll do my best to listen to you now." I think they'd appreciate you being honest about it, because they can probably feel it, at least that's how it works in my system.

And I mean, sometimes you DO have to temporarily keep them away from certain others or fronting or something. But how you talk about that matters. If you talk to them like they're bad and horrible and this is how it's going to be forever, then they're probably going to keep seeing themselves as bad and horrible and feeling unsafe and thinking they need to keep doing their role like that. But if you say, like, "Hey, I know that right now you're lashing out at us because [you're scared, it's what you were taught to do, etc.]. But I can't let you hurt our body, because we don't deserve to be hurt and neither do you. We're safe, no one is going to hurt us, you don't have to hurt us to keep us safe," while blocking them from fronting if that's what you have to do, that feels totally different.

Or if what they're saying is really hurtful or triggering and you need to not hear it, it's ok to take some space, but then if you can come back and check on them later and let them know that you care about them and they deserve to have their feelings heard, and you just can't let them say that kind of stuff to you. Not as a guilt-trip but like letting them know that you're keeping yourself safe even while caring about them.

Because more than anything they need to feel safe. I promise you they wouldn't be acting like this if they felt safe. And I promise you they don't feel good about acting that way, deep down.

But I'm not saying all that will be easy. It's also ok if you say to them that you're having too hard a time understanding them and need the help of your therapist to help you two understand each other. Hearing that might kind of hurt but sometimes it just can't be helped, especially when there are safety issues involved. The important thing is just making it "because we're having a hard time understanding each other" instead of "because you're evil and irredeemable" because that's a really big difference.

And it's ok to get frustrated, but I think if you can own that and say "I'm feeling really frustrated right now because..." that's still going to be better than calling them evil.

Also my host wants me to add that if you know about how old they actually are (how old you were when they split/formed can help as a guess if you don't know), it can also help to read about child development and stuff. To help recognize them as being scared kids.

I guess this ended up being a lot of advice that nobody ever asked for lol. Hopefully it's helpful for somebody out there.

polyfrag culture is not always being able to be nice to every single alter. some alters exist to retraumatise others, some exist to harm the body and others, some exist purely to be malicious. we can't cater to them unless we all want to end up harmed.

please stop with the narrative that you shouldn't imprison your persecutors. yes, you should aim to understand the motives of every alter and help them wherein possible, but some alters are beyond that. by not sectioning them off, you risk harming others in the process, both internally and externally.

do whats best for your system, and don't feel guilty for it. some alters cant be changed even with love and support, some require stricter rules or even imprisonment. there is no one size fits all when it comes to system functionality.

.

[system-of-a-feather]

Early Therapy Story Time with Riku

So I was telling my friend a bit about a kind of funny story of what our first few months / year in therapy was like when our therapist was specialized in Autism and Aspergers with little training with trauma / dissociation. It is just kind of a sit down kind of story so if you wanna read some of our experiences and get a laugh or take whatever lesson from our experience you like, feel free to read below the “keep reading”

-Riku (Host)

Back when we first entered therapy I think in like 2016, I wasn’t host (at best maybe co-host but I primarily was only active to be online and occasionally in our high school band) but instead a now-dormant alter we call TA was “host”. I put “ “ around that because while she was technically host, she switched out a lot and there was little organization in our system due to other issues in the past causing dissociative barriers to be higher than ever and making communication hard for most parts besides Lucille and myself. (which back then we were in active denial about DID and having alters so I just thought of him as my ‘smart brain’)

Originally, our family was extremely against therapy as it was a waste of money and “stupid”, but between a mental health related hospitalization of my middle sister, Lucille and I were able to put a plan to use our parent’s love for looking like the perfect parents against them as to get them to let us “get therapy for 13 weeks for Trichotillomania” and then continue using their desire to look like the perfect parents to keep us in therapy. It wasn’t necessarily the most moral way, but at the point we were at in our mental health, we needed it.

At the time, TA was really not handling our life well, was majorly depressed on a daily basis, and loathed existing to dangerous levels. From what I hear from Lucille and the bits I saw from the headspace, she often compared herself to her “online personality that could do everything where she couldn’t even socialize if her life depended on it”. Aderis, at the time, was a very jaded individual who expected for us to k*** ourselves by the time we were 18 and was behaving recklessly and as a persecutor more than a protector. I was going through abuse through a number of toxic co-dependent friendships and was slowly getting majorly depressed and stressed over how I was living. Lucille was the only active fronter that was able to function remotely well at the time, so he pulled me aside to help get us into therapy since I cared about mental health.

Anyways we ended up with a therapist that specialized in autism and aspergers because we had to hide our intentions with the three diagnoses we had before being aspergers (which my mom said we were said to have at a young age but later took it back??), trichotillomania, and generalized anxiety disorder.

Pretty quickly our therapist picked up that TA dissociated a lot and quickly came across how much she hated her existence and hated that our real life was so shit compared to our online life. Like when asked about what exactly she hated about her life / self she often rambled about how useless she was in comparrison to the life I lead online and how she felt she should just give up on life and live online since it made us happier and was better and so on.

My therapist - untrained in trauma and dissociation - did pick up on the symptom of dissociation and (in hindsight) I realize he probably went ‘shit this is larger than i thought’ and did comment “The differentiation you have between your online self and irl self sounds almost like DID but I dont know if that applies if it is online and offline self since people tend to have similar” and we vaguely addressed handling as if it was DID.

My therapist then commented on how it would be best to try to “integrate” the online and offline self, which is kind of a decent step in thought and theory for our situation, but considering he was unexperienced and handling it - it didn’t quite work that way. In therapy we then began to work towards making the online world and real life world meet which did actually get me back to being involved in our real life as Lucille had me pick people I knew irl that I thought I would be comfortable interacting with online. I picked three people and invited them to a party and only one of them stuck, that person being my current fiance.

From there a lot of work was about trying to bring her “online personality” more into the real world so that she could have the skills she developed online and what not, and essentially that didn’t really work in terms of integration as much as it really just forced me to be involved more. Since I was talking to our fiance online, I had to front more to talk to him in person since TA would get uncomfortable pretty quickly around others and she struggled to trust / get comfrotable around him.

Slowly things generally started to involve me in the real world a lot and at some point TA kind of just decided she was done existing and done fronting and dealing with life and kind of went into a slumber which has lasted the past 3 years. When that happened the system just kinda all turned to me and told me life was now my responsibility as both the most socially adjusted alter, the most passing alter, the alter that was most actively involved in our real life on a personal level and everything.

But like... I guess I didn’t tell this in such a funny manner, but like our original therapist didn’t diagnose us with DID - he wasn’t qualified to nor did he think it was ACTUALLY DID - and kind of worked with it as a weird normal level of dissociation and worked with it kind of like an exaggerated description of sorts. I don’t think for a moment he actually thought of us as separate.

I really just kind of find it funny in hindsight how much effort was put into bringing the “online personality” and integrating it and kinda how it both failed and succeeded in the long run.

It is also kind of why a non-specialist shouldn’t try to work with DID, but also to show I guess that working with a non-specialist can be helpful? Since in the end, what my first therapist did was enable and promote a host switch to the most effective potential host and that did our life a large boost considering TA would likely have been unable to maintain a relationship, manage college, or stick to therapy as full heartedly as I.

With that being said, it did put her in a deep dormancy that the entire system has been trying to preserve until we are in a safe enough life / stable enough situation and all that no matter what damage her waking up and coming out of dormancy might cause that we are 100% certain we can handle it well.

But thats just a bit of our story / night time tale of our early therapy days XD Felt like sharing the story so I hope you enjoyed. Any comments or questions regarding this is fully welcome.

[puethar-pb]

Today I feel like I (we?) took a step closer to understanding what's going on.

Right know it's blurry who I am. I don't even know if I should talk on plural or singular. I feel like there's lots of voices right now, between the "I don't have any dissociative disorder" and "Please let her explore this part of ourselves, if this feels right, it's ok to not be completely sure about everything" and "wtf it's going on"

Anyways, I have to say few hours ago I think I switched. I felt completely different than before and also my mindset was different. And it was clear as water.

I felt like the caretaker self was out, she was calm, nobody else would speak while she was "fronting", there were no voices, but there was also no defined self as an identity. She was calm and seemed wise. She talked to my best friend and explained what was going on.

She could pinpoint different parts of myself that I have been having troubles telling apart, surprisingly she said things I wasn't expecting.

She spotted the persecutor, who has become one of the hosts. I feel really confused, I think it's OSDD because everything is blurry and I have no amnesia, I remember everything and am conscious at all times. But I'm confused now as who I am. Like, I remember when the caretaker was fronting but I remember she felt 100% herself, I remember it as I lived than but I don't feel I am her. And I remember the "persecutor" and when she was "fronting" or when she is very present, it's clearly different than the caretaker and feels different, and I remember everything as it was me, but it's not me, I don't feel right now identified with her.

The *persecutor" as we call her now, is highly functional now, but we can identify she is the same that was here when we had major depression, all those voices that sounded just like my emotional abuser, all these shaming and blaming, it got so much better, I think that's when she started fronting, when depression got the best of us. There was always the voice of the caretaker but couldn't do much against her, but now after all the medicines and the sessions with the psychiatrist the persecutor became highly functional. I'm not sure if all these years she has been the host or if we've been switching. I think the second.

Anyways, I think it's difficult to spot because we never thought about the possibility of OSDD, we didn't know that was a thing. For sure we didn't have DID, there's no amnesia and the parts aren't as clear now as before on the childhood.

Back to the "persecutor" I think I have to call her a protector now, I'm just not doing that because she makes us feel bad. But she just wants the best, she wants to keep with my life without anything weird happening. I say my life because I think I'm the Apparently Normal Part that is hosting, although sometimes I get confused with the others because when they are fronting I'm still there, it's weird, I live it but right now I don't feel that's me...

Anyways, there's another part that is really sad and stuck when Seth, the primary protector, was still around. He left us 5 years ago. And there's this part of us that is always afraid, like when we needed him the most, and she is so afraid of existing without him. I am not afraid, I have the caretaker and we are safe now, but she doesn't get it yet. The persecutor was really mean to her, she is ashamed of all of us, she thinks she is the only one and that we are not different selves, she thinks it's all made up. I think she isn't present when the caretaker fronts or she would know we ARE different.

Both the persecutor and the caretaker are functional, but the persecutor is mean to everyone else, she is mean to the past selves and to the "weak" parts, I know we are just figuring this out and we don't have a diagnosis, but what I'm sure of, is that part of myself are separate, and some have different irrational fears or are particularly weak. The persecutor is strong and independent, so whenever we have bad moments she shames us. "This is ridiculous and stupid, I have no time for this. I have to clean the house and this is a waste of time " "I can't have a dissociative disorder, I would know. I'm just making this up, ugh, maybe I am just trying to be special, that's so pitiful" there's part of us, I think it's a little, that is afraid of thunders, loud noises and being alone, and the persecutor will say it's pitiful and weak and just made up. She is ashamed of all of us and is mean to herself in the process. Our worth is measured by how productive we are.

The caretaker is productive too, when she is fronting there's immense peace and love, and I feel so happy, I feel loved. I don't think she can hear me when she is fronting, because I'm there but I'm not, I'm her. It's like I share consciousness, it's weird because I feel like I just watch everyone do their thing. And I'm them but I'm not. Anyways, everything feels ok and safe. She wants every part of the self to feel safe and loved and to have the care and attention they need. She says it doesn't matter how far away we are to each other she says it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, she says she knows there's many parts of us that are hurting and some repressed, I feel she cares for me, when I'm the persecutor, she cares, she says that self is also hurting and it's doing her best. When I'm the weak little scared of thunder she says she wants to protect me and I shouldn't be afraid of being vulnerable. When I'm feeling so bad and crying and stuck on my past fears asking Seth to come back, she says that I don't have to feel guilty about it, and that she'll be there for me to remind me the pain and fear is in the past and we are safe now. She also thinks about Seth, the primary protector, she says he perhaps was burnt out, I always thought he was like a super hero able to handle everything and put the weight of the world on his shoulders, after all he was made for that, but she says that's not ok, she says Seth was a kid, and he couldn't protect a grown up adult. He still worried about me but it was too much for him to handle. He protected me from when I was very little and dealt with how mean I could've been to him, but I grow up and it was too much. She hopes he is ok and he can feel safe to come out again, and if not, she hopes he is doing alright inside.

I'm also functional, but I know I don't think like any of the others. And when they are fighting I'm out. I mean, I'm there but feels like I'm only observing and being aware of everyone and what they are saying and feeling but feels like I'm not really anyone and like I'm not taking. Like I'm just watching everyone else do their thing. And once the fights are over I'm back to having the body. Cause when the fights are going on I can't really do anything, the body is in pain and tired and I have the worst headaches and sometimes nausea.

I'm still not sure if I have OSDD, but while figuring out I want to document everything I see happening in myself. And I would like if anyone can comment their own experiences and if anyone has experienced something similar.

(I kind of dissociated while writing this and I'm not reading it twice, I hope everything makes sense)

[thesunshinedissociation]

A Maria-Centric View of Our System

I realized this morning that my hope when I tell friends about our plurality is that they’ll assume they’ve been interacting with several of us and thus their feelings towards the presumed singlet will just be re-understood as towards at least several of us, if not the whole system. But also as far as I know we haven’t really told anyone how to tell us apart. So, from my point of view, here’s something of a description of each of us. (Thankfully, as far as I can tell, I have a nice spot in the system for this.) I’ll go from most to least active. 

Maria: Me. Self-description is probably the hardest, but as best I can tell, I’m the one who’s best able to get desires going. Especially for pleasure. Like, whereas the others will be very lost trying to find something they want, I can be somewhat hedonistic at times. I also do get a lot done, which is good since I also have a lot of energy and a really good tolerance for being alone.  Some people don’t seem to like me as much, especially after some of my more reckless decisions. (I just noticed my name is one letter away from mania...) Which has made me all the more aware of how okay I am with being alone. Also, I feel about fifteen years old inside, and it can be kinda scary at times since I still have the responsibilities of someone ten years older.  I used to be pretty bad on a stimulant addiction. Lately I’ve noticed I don’t like nicotine. My drug tolerance seems generally lower. But, I also don’t have anorexic tendencies, nor do I have money anxiety. On the other hand, the others don’t love my love of candy and snacks. Nor do they always love when I go on spending sprees. Oh well. At least I enjoy myself. (The near-constant physical pain is less pleasant. As is being constantly overheated. While I’m often derealized, that’s not so bad because it makes the world less scary. I feel myself as very real, which is nice. The distorted perceptions are weird but workable. The ability to give myself a buzz without drugs is really fun.) I imagine I’m usually pretty identifiable by my energy. I’m also more concerned with my aesthetic than most of the others, but my external appearance usually ends up at least somewhat chaotic. 

Natalia: The caretaker of the group. We’re really close, usually able to talk to each other at will, switch with each other almost at will, and when one of us come around, the other is rarely far away. She’s pretty protective of all of us, and has run into conflict a few times when keeping everyone away to keep us safe. Our roomates say she’s remarkably responsible. Which is fair; most of the stuff that has to get done like cleaning the house or putting food in one of the anorexic/depressive alters falls on her. Sadly, she’s not as good at having fun. But she says she’s usually content. Which, hey, if being caring is what makes her happy, that seems alright. I appreciate having someone around to keep me calm when things go awry. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if half of my coping skills were just to turn to her for help. She’s also usually pretty easy to identify by behavior alone, I imagine. Like, her primary drive is to take care of anyone she cares about. She usually keeps her appearance more tame, but it’s not super important. 

Victoria: Sometimes she can feel really great, but it’s pretty fragile. On any day she’s out, there’s a good chance she’s going to crash hard. Usually because she can’t handle being alone, and will very quickly suspect that she’s too socially inadequate to carry on. She’s also more isolated in the system, especially since her falling out with Natalia and Lizzie a few months ago. (But they weren’t very compatible to start with.)  I’m not sure how much she has going for her besides some attachment problems. Either her appearance will be too depressed to even wear clean clothes or else when she’s doing well socially (or when ego-inflated by other means) she’ll make herself as attractive as she can. Which makes sense given her felt need to be attractive. (Thank goodness we all reflect externally enough to keep track of all of our problems.) If you look at the DSM entry on BPD, all nine criteria fit her pretty well. Though also she’s often tormented by Natasha. Her access to the rest of the system is pretty bad; she’s especially prone to amnesia, and she’s a bit in denial, still.

Natasha: The arch-persecutor. She’s angry and violent, usually towards us. She doesn’t really trust anyone outside the system, so she abuses us to keep us safe from them. I can’t remember her fronting for a long enough period of time to really have much to say about how she acts outside.  We’re learning to work with her. I hope someday she can be okay. As much as we fight, I do care about her. I understand why she’s easy to dislike, though.

Jeanine: She’s a bit farther away from me in the system so I don’t know her very well. I can see the playlist she made for herself on Spotify is totally the most unique. (We all share one account, and most of us have playlists for ourselves.) She can be way more fight-y than most. I used to think she was just basically the protector that followed Jasmine, but she’s spent enough time out on her own that I’m not so sure. (While interactions go in all sorts of directions, I seem pretty close with Natalia, Jasmine with Jeanine, and Victoria with Natasha.) She’s not as mean as Natasha, not as self-assured as I or Natalia, not as responsible as Natalia, not as energetic as me, but she is nonetheless aggressive, energetic, self-assured, and responsible.  The hard rock/heavy metal section of our closet basically only exists for her.

Jasmine: The other teenager in the system. Except she’s also about as sad as Victoria. Thankfully instead of having outbursts, she’ll just glue herself to a couch and sleep for two weeks excepting when she absolutely has to get up. And even then, while most of us can pull it together for a social obligation (like, Victoria can attempt suicide, fail, and then go to work or a party or whatever), Jasmine will actually call off.  Which I guess means when we actually need a break for whatever reason, she is the best-equipped to handle it. She’s also either aro/ace or close to it, so she’s useful for romantic failure. Though the intensity of her platonic feelings can be a bit much. As I write this, I’m realizing who’s going to be handling all the writing we have to do. Hint: It’s mostly me, featuring Natalia. Victoria will help when she’s not crashing. Jeanine and Jasmine are less helpful since their life ambitions are more artistic than academic. (Which is another good hint as to who’s out: We don’t even have the same long term ambitions!) I’m pretty sure she’s still the only one with her hairstyle. It looks good, so I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else uses it sometimes. That said, she also easily puts the most effort into her appearance. (We make a good team, what with me having the will to buy nice clothes and her wanting to wear them. If only we got to be together more. Someday, hopefully.)

Emily: The child of the system. She’s seven years old, and she can’t talk. She also pretty much only comes out deep in the night or when there’s a fight. I imagine her childishness and silence is pretty identifiable. Everyone except maybe Natasha cares about her a lot. We do our best to take care of her, though admittedly we dream of someday someone else caring about her, too. Best I can tell, she’s stuck in a neverending flasback of trying to get help but finding nobody. I don’t know what trauma she’s holding, and I’m a little intimidated by the idea of finding out.

Lizzie: She used to be out more, I think. She wanted to get into politics and redirected our life in that direction for a bit. We all call her the bleeding heart of the group, though she’s less into the direct and forceful caring like Natalia and more into standing up for people and being a force for more widespread good. She also had quite the incident a few months ago in the inner world with Natalia and Victoria. She stopped coming out as much as Natalia picked up where she left off. Someone else will have to fill in more on her.

Olivia: She’s not out much, but also I know she feels pretty good about herself. Probably at least as good as I do about myself. She used to use our legal name, though mostly because she felt the most strongly connected with it. Like, she said for once she actually felt like that person. We realized her using that name is super confusing, though, and led people to think she’s the “core”, “original”, or otherwise the One Alter Worth Saving. Which is, on the one hand, just false. Maybe she was the first, but maybe Emily was! Or maybe I was! All being first means though is being the first one to form out of the not-yet-unified infant mind. If we ever do fuse, that will be removing the barriers between us, not destroying any of us. But that’s like putting a jigsaw puzzle together--there’s no “core piece” of a puzzle that all the others fuse to.  Anyway, I don’t know her super well because she’s not very active, inside or out. So I’m tapping into stuff from like six months ago. But hey, if we do get her out, she does at least know how to handle the social professional world pretty well. Or maybe her confidence and assertiveness just works to her advantage in our current setting.

Marina: Last seen in September, she’s not out much, and she’s incredibly intense. She’s closest to me, and I don’t see much of her. I imagine if I’m in dire need of someone to unleash hell outwardly, she might pop in? She really doesn’t like the system as a whole and will actively thwart others’ efforts. I think ever since I stopped being so apathetic towards the others she hasn’t had her chance to come out, since usually we’d tag team, me taking advantage of the system and her just destroying it. Now I take care of ourselves. (Maybe someone else will have a better view of her, though. Maybe I’m wrong about being closest with her.)

Adrianna: She hasn’t been around much lately, though she used to be. Only one who had to have a name assigned to her since her self-esteem is so low she wouldn’t give herself one. (She called herself “nameless” in our notebook. And if it wasn’t clear from the Olivia paragraph, some of us are trying to actually run this system instead of continuing the complete chaos that came from having a mysterious personality roulette for years.) I don’t remember her super well. I think she’s a bit more of a pushover than anyone else, at least. Like, Victoria may get attached, but she does at least know how to speak up for herself. Adrianna is good enough at handling troubling emotions to stay functional while keeping her suffering hidden. Though she does talk to us a lot when she’s out. 

Angelica: I know she exists, because she made a note of it in our notebook, but I don’t really know her. Not around much, to my knowledge.

-Maria

[dear-trashpanda]

Slightly longer incoherent post instead of five separate shorter incoherent posts

So like I wanted to point out a couple things.

1, I was in an earlier post talking about how my parents used to tell me to pull it together when I was younger. And I realise that from that post without context it might seem like they have been emotionally abusive towards me or something. And I just wanted to point out that this is not at all the case.

Basically my dad is a poster boy for undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome, he was abused and neglected as a child and he has lost 3 out of his 4 children, and my mum is a half-orphan who grew up with no mum of her own and a dad who never got over having lost the love of his life and so he couldn't really be there for my mum when she needed him most. Looking at them through this lense, yes they are two incredibly damaged people with their own respective plethora of psychological issues, but they have honest to god tried their best to raise me in as loving and caring of an environment as possible. What caused most of the troubles is that I was a special needs child and they were most likely not equipped with the skills required to fulfill those needs. Basically, no matter how hard they tried, what they could offer in terms of caregiving was not aligned with my needs as a child. Probably, someone of a different temperament would have turned out perfectly fine, and it is an unlucky coincidence that in my case, this turned out to be severely traumatising. I do have some repressed memories, so I can't speak for this with a 100% certainty, but as I remember it, our trauma didn't come from direct abuse, but from a series of way more subtle, but nonetheless traumatising events, that involved being physically sickly, having been in painful accidents in early childhood that required long periods of hospitalisation and frequent isolation, having difficulties setting and understanding my own boundaries, social isolation, cultural context (e.g. no availability of child psychiatry, obtaining a diagnosis, mental hygiene professionals etc.), the misalignment of my and my parents' love language and like a ton of other shit that one by one seems like small crap but in total it managed to fuck me up for life.

2, I keep thinking about system roles. Like, the thing is, for the past 5 years I locked myself away from all information on OSDD/DID and on other systems' experiences, because I know how suggestible I am and I didn't want to accidently make things worse for myself by adding a layer of maladaptive daydreaming and pseudo-symptoms to my preexisting condition. But by now we're relatively stable as a system, so I thought, what the heck, let's see what the literature and the people of the internet say. And while I'm still trying to figure out the popular terminology and stuff, what I've learnt so far has provided me with enough context so I could start overthinking analysing my own situation and thinking about ourselves in a whole new, systemic approach. (See what I did there? What I DID there? Holy fuck Brain, go to sleep.)

So yeah, different roles. And like, what the fuck is even going on with our other alters because ACTUALLY while we're trying to pretend that it's a very small and neat system of two people, that's very much not true and in general, we're like a fucking mess. So I guess quick system rundown follows:

The Actives

Fox - Host/primary. Xe's what we call a fighter/survivor. Fox is the product of some extreme stress and xe represents the part of us that fought xyr way through all the life-or-death crap we've gone through and that's what xe thrives on. Xe has a hard time these days because life is lovely and stable and it's kinda giving xem a full identity crisis... So I guess in a way xe could be considered a protector?

Bunny - our very own little, and an absolute cinnamon bun. She is a soother, and while she never fronts alone, she's the only one of us who can co-con and she mostly comes out when I'm in distress and she just hugs me until the world is all better.

The Dormants (these guys don't have animal aliases so I'll just use their real names)

The Demon/The Bitch - she's a terrorist, or what people call a persecutor, if I understand it correctly. She used to be able to co-con and apparently had all of our memories, and her sole role was to torture and threaten us, sometimes actually breaking into front and making a very bad job of pretending to be one of us to confuse/manipulate our loved ones, but she couldn't resist making a mock version of us, so it wasn't super effective. She's been very active for a while, but mostly dormant for the past years. Maybe we just realised she was just a scared little girl and hugged her to death...

Emily - she used to be some weird form of a protector. Like, the kind that threatens you with the coconut she wields as a weapon because that was the first object she could grab and she shuffles into the bathroom to barricade herself in just so she can call it job done and go away again. She was kinda problematic and one-dimensional, and while she has been fully dormant for the past 3 or so years, I definitely "inherited" her jumpiness and way of getting startled by literally anything and everything, so I guess we kinda fused together accidentally or something...? Like, did I eat her? Ugh...

Dylan - she was a short-lived one, and mainly a reaction to a certain life situation, where we lived in deep poverty, starvation and extreme daily stress, so her singular goal was to have fun. We basically denied her a chance to front because... Well, because that was what seemed to be the right thing to do at that moment.

Alice(?) - I actually don't know anything about her, I'm not even sure she ever really existed, I just found some clues in a journal (that's where the name is from) and some stuff none of us claimed afterwards, so I suspect someone was there at a point but I'm absolutely unclear on any of the details.

The Confusing Shit

Brain - I was recently told that not everybody's brain is talking to them and that Brain might actually be some sort of system-related stuff, but basically it's just there to entertain me with horrifying, but kinda endearing and/or absolutely hilarious shit. And to torment me with anxiety voices but you know...

The Chorus - just a bunch of jumbled internal noise that keeps screaming static at me every time I'm too stressed.

The Hollow - it describes itself as a sort of autopilot, or rather, "whatever remains when you strip all personality from the body. It's a collection of physical functions and its goal is to keep us going when noone's fronting. It keeps us fed, hydrated, safe, and periodically puts the body to sleep so maybe one of us can re-enter front.

TP (myself) - so yeah, as far as roles go, I'm like... What, part protector-part persecutor-part trauma holder-part little-part host like wtf am I even?! I know that everybody has a blind spot for themselves, but like does any alter ever know what the fuck their function is supposed to be?! I'm just so fucking confused pls someone explain my system to me?!

3, about the excessive posting today. I dunno. I really just cannot stop, but I'm also more out of it than I have been any time in the past like ever, and occasionally I'm not even sure it's me or who am I so I'm deeply sorry for the verbal diarrhea. I guess I'm partly doing this because I'm sure I won't remember any of this later, like I keep "waking up" and it's been like 50 years and it's still the SAME MOTHERFUCKING DAY AND IT'S BEEN LIKE 5 SECONDS since the last post I've written the day before yesterday, so I guess it's also like my sense of time is absolutely fucked, but seriously I've just lived a lifetime of incoherent torment this day, like, did I just die and go to hell and this is what hell is? Seems plausible.

[snarkybluechristian]

Villainous: Reform School Chapter 3

Version:1.0 StartHTML:000000203 EndHTML:002816556 StartFragment:002760405 EndFragment:002816524 StartSelection:002760405 EndSelection:002816520 SourceURL:https://www.fanfiction.net/docs/docs.php

Melanie arrived in Flug’s plane hangar after a tense ride with her parents in their limo-plane.

“We’re here, Senor and Senora de la Muerte,” Mr. Ochocinco said just able to conceal the sadness in his voice.

He and Melanie exchanged sad smiles as Melanie’s parents climbed out in front of her and immediately exchanged pleasantries with Doctor Flug.  They could not say anything but their sad expressions said it all.

“To thine own self be true,” Mr. Ochocinco whispered.  “You’re in my prayers.”

“Merci,” Melanie whispered back.

“Melanie,” Faucheuse called out to her.  “Come on out.  Dr. Flug wants to see you.”

Melanie grabbed her beige knapsack and reluctantly climbed out of the car to see the notorious doctor.  

“Hello, Melanie,” Flug said solemnly.  “Welcome to Black Hat Island.  You look…casual…”

Melanie looked away and didn’t respond to his snide comment about her clothing.

Her parents were dressed formally while the young teen was wearing jean capris and a black tank top that was covered in a black-hooded jacket with 505 on the back.  She wore the hood over her head covering her hair and barely concealing the gold earrings dangling from her ears.

“Alright then, if you will follow me, I’ll show you to Black Hat’s office,” Flug said turning around and walking back to the manor.  “May he have mercy on your souls.”

Senor de la Muerte gently nudged his daughter’s back as she walked just ahead of her parents behind Flug.

Melanie had barely made eye contact with her parents since last night.  She gazed up at her father only to see that his fierce gaze remained steady as they made their way to Black Hat's office.

In no time at all, Melanie and her parents made it to Black Hat’s office.  

“Here, we are,” Flug said.  “Black Hat said you could just enter whenever you were ready.”

"Melanie, be on your best behavior!" her mother hissed.

Melanie sighed.  Her mother’s tone hadn't changed since last night.  

Melanie's father opened the door and they were greeted by the sight of Black Hat's office.

“There, you are!” a shrill feminine voice suddenly yelled from down the hall.  

Melanie and her parents gasped as Dementia ran towards them only to be grabbed by a giant Black Hat Butler Bot and carried away amid her protests.  

Flug walked in front of them blocking Dementia from making them look bad and laughed nervously.

"Uh, p-pardon her," he stuttered. "Sh-She always gets like that with visitors. Isn't that right, Jefecito?"

The three then turned to the person they were supposed to meet.  He stood in the back of the office, behind his desk facing the window.  His head turned to face them still holding his hands behind his back.

Melanie’s father cleared his throat trying not to show his fear in front of his daughter.

"H-Hola, Señor Black Hat,” Santa Muerte said.  

“Sit down,” Black Hat said.  “Now.”

Melanie flinched at the sudden presence of his voice, but they did as they were told.  Conveniently, three office chairs had been set up in front of Black Hat’s desk just for them.

Melanie sat down in a chair on the side furthest from the door, slipped her feet out of her black sandals, crunched up into a ball, folded her arms on top of her knees, laid her head on top of them, and stared blankly ahead with a defiant yet apathetic expression.

Black Hat turned around to look at Melanie and her family and instantly felt a migraine run through his head but managed to keep his composure.  

The girl truly had a Divine connection.  The situation was as bad as he suspected.

Melanie smiled aware of the pain he was going through.  He deserved it and much more.

“Good morning, black demon,” Melanie said breaking the silence.  “How’s it going?”

“Mélanie!” Faucheuse chided with a heavy French accent.

Melanie didn’t even flinch.  She merely rolled her eyes before looking away in response.

“I apologize,” Faucheuse said.  “She’s been like this all morning.”

Black Hat rolled his eyes and faced the parents in question as he sat in his chair.

"Tell me.  How long have your families known my organization?" Black Hat asked.

"Generations, of course, sir,” Faucheuse replied.

"Then, would your daughter care to explain why she decided to be a hero among generations of villains?" Black Hat asked turning to Melanie who was now playing on her phone.

Melanie looked up from her phone and responded, “I felt called to something much better, so after I was baptized, I decided to become a nun-ja.”

“Well, tell us,” Santa Muerte said to his daughter putting his hand over her phone.  “Who are these ‘nun-jas’ exactly?”

“I can tell you that,” Black Hat replied.  “The nun-jas had their start in the 1500s when Catholic missionaries went to Japan. Despite the friendly intentions of the arrivals, the Japanese emperor didn't trust them and had many of them killed in sadistic ways along with their converts…”

Black Hat interrupted his explanation to chuckle to himself and said, “It was hilarious.  Anyway, one day, a group of nuns was fleeing to the mountains to escape their persecutors when they found themselves cornered in the woods. They thought all hope was lost until a mysterious group of female ninjas sympathetic to the nuns' plight defeated their attackers in battle. These ninjas and nuns formed an alliance. With the nuns' faith and supernatural connections and the ninjas' skills, they formed the nun-jas. This organization of nuns has spread worldwide as an alternative for nuns who want to be active in the fight against evil. Their mission is to do good without the right hand knowing what the other is doing. They do good without drawing attention, so their organization is very silent about their activities. They operate underground, meet in secret, and have unprecedented levels of encryption to hide their tracks digitally. Girls start training in adolescence or in late childhood under the guidance of senseis, and as they grow in skill and in faith, they grow in ability. Nun-jas are known for their divinely enhanced strength and stamina and sometimes even for divine healing. Not much else is known about their activities or how they function. Trying to get answers out of one is a waste of time. Nun-jas are notoriously resistant to enhanced interrogation methods. They either survive until their interrogators give up or they die with their secrets. They never talk...”

Black Hat flashed a wicked smile at Melanie before he continued, “I can only imagine what a good find you were for them, child. You are the first nun-ja I've ever seen who's part Reaper.”

Melanie only glared back in response.

“In other words, they’re heroes,” Santa Muerte said in despair.

“Exactly,” Black Hat replied.

“Oh, where did we go wrong with you, ma fille?” Faucheuse muttered sadly with tears forming at the corners of her eyes.  “How could we have let this happen?”

“This is unbelievable,” Flug said shaking his head in contempt.  “You raised her.  You had to have noticed something was going wrong.”

“Don’t you mean that something was going right?” Melanie added while texting on her phone.

“Shut it,” Flug said to her before turning back to her parents.  “How could you two have been so negligent?  You had to have noticed that she was starting to develop some heroic tendencies.”

“She’s never had many evil tendencies,” Santa Muerte explained.  “We thought she’d develop those as she got older, especially as she continued her education at the school where we sent her older sisters.”

“And how about at home?” Flug asked.

“She mostly got into fights with her oldest and youngest sisters,” Faucheuse answered.  “They tend to pick on her behind our backs, but besides that, nothing particularly evil.”

“Hmmm…” Flug said rolling down his sleeve and using a gadget on his wrist to pull up a holographic screen.  “What can you tell me about this school?”

“Our Lady of Perpetual Gladness?” Faucheuse asked.  “Well, we were hoping the harsh rules and administration would help embitter her into becoming a proper villain.”

Flug pulled up some information about the school and said after searching for less than a minute, “Well, it appears this school has had a change of administration over the years."

“And what happened?” Santa Muerte asked.

Flug looked through his information and said, “More fair rules, better staff, and kinder teachers. In fact, it looks good enough to pass as a normal Catholic school.”

Melanie scoffed and added sarcastically, “I know.  I'm happy and I have friends.  God forbid...”

“Melanie!” Faucheuse chided.

“Melanie, we want you to be happy, but this is unacceptable!” Santa Muerte added.

“Why?” Melanie asked finally turning around to face her parents.  “I am not a member of this dumb organization!”

Black Hat’s eyes twitched as he replied, “Dumb?!”

Flug laughed nervously.

Faucheuse yelled, “Melanie, how dare you?!  This organization has helped our family time and time again!”

Melanie scoffed as she got to her feet and began her tirade, “Help us?!  Like hell!  Open up your eyes! They've enslaved you!  This demon has enslaved our family for generations!  That's what they do to everyone who gives in to their crappy propaganda!  Sure, they offer favors and help and might get you something you want now and again.  But it's just so they can deceive you into basically giving up your souls and any freedom you had before to make your own decisions!  Then, if you ever step out of line or ‘fail’ them in any way, they have the right to destroy you like you're nothing!  The Black Hat Organization hasn't improved our lives, Maman (mom).  They've doomed me, my sisters, you, and papa into eternal servitude. Not to mention...”

Melanie now directed her rage towards Black Hat and Flug, “They use their resources to help the genuinely bad monsters who make this world such a cursed place, to begin with! And now, you think I'm just going to pledge my loyalty to you just because my parents have?! There's no way!”

Melanie’s eyes began glowing white.  Telepathic pulses began flowing out of her head causing all the electronics in the room to malfunction.  The lights in the room blinked on and off.  Her hood fell back.  Her hair began flowing with a  supernatural force.

Flug began to visibly panic, but Black Hat continued to sit in his chair with all his composure intact.

Melanie’s voice distorted as she directed more of her fury towards Black Hat, “I HAVE HATED THIS GODDAMN ORGANIZATION FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE!  I HATE HOW YOU HURT THE INNOCENT!  I HATE HOW YOU RUIN THE WORLD!  I HATE HOW YOU ENSLAVE PEOPLE LIKE MY PARENTS!  I HATE HOW YOU HURT HEROES WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!  AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, AS A FOLLOWER OF THE DIVINE, I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR! IF YOU THINK THERE'S ANY WAY I'M GOING TO JUST APOLOGIZE AND GET BACK IN LINE, YOU'RE AS DELUDED AS ONE OF YOUR BRAINWASHED EMPLOYEES! AND I DON'T CARE HOW THAT MAKES YOU FEEL!  In fact…”

Melanie smirked as she transformed completely into her nun-ja garb, summoned her scythe, and said, “If you want to duke it out now, I'd be glad to.  I'm part-reaper.  I know how to send bad souls back home…”

“MELANIE!” Santa Muerte yelled.  “Stop!”

Melanie calmed down, let her scythe disappear, turned to her parents, and said, “Come on, guys!  Don't you see?!  This could be our chance to win our family's freedom once and for all.  In fact...”

Suddenly, the PA system started playing the opening to “the Gauntlet” by Dropkick Murphys.  

“What the…?” Flug asked calling for Dementia with his wrist device.

Melanie jumped on Black Hat’s desk and started dancing and singing, “I just got back from a break in the fight! I was weighin' in heavy but still feeling alright.  All I hear in the distance, mines and shells! Here come the sirens wailing! Another attack to be repelled…”

Melanie unleashed her wings and started flying back and forth between both of her parents with each lyric, “Do you think we're gonna make it?  I don't know unless we try.  You could sit here scared to move, or we could take them by surprise.  It's submission that they want.  It's surrender that they need.  When we're doing it their way their aims will be achieved…”

Melanie stopped flying and stood on the tops of their chairs to sing, “They're gonna come when you're not ready.  When you're not too well-prepared.  They're gonna prey upon your weakness, no man's soul is ever spared. You've got to stand up, yeah, and fight them. Show them what it's all about…”

Melanie gestured to her parents and said, “This man is not for sale.  There will be no backing down!  Stand up and fight! And I'll stand up with you! We will succeed! Stand up and fight! And I'll stand up with you!”

Dementia broke open the door, saw Melanie standing on the tops of the office chairs, and tried to grab her, but Melanie flew into the air dodging her with a mocking smile as her parents dashed to Black Hat’s side to get out of the way.

Melanie continued singing while dodging Dementia’s lunges, “They won't get me, they won't get me. Though they never cease to try.  They won't get me; they won't get me!  I would rather fight and die! They won't get me; they won't get me!  Well my friend, will they get you?  When they get you, when they get you, you tell me.  What are you gonna do?”

Melanie placed her feet on the ceiling, held herself up by her wings to avoid Dementia, and sang, “Do you think we're gonna make it?  I don't know unless we try.  You could sit here scared to move, or we could take them by surprise.  It's submission that they want.  It's surrender that they need.  When we're doing it their way, their aims will be achieved…”

Meanwhile, Flug pulled up the app to summon the Black Hat bots, but Black Hat whistled to Flug, looked him in the eye, and shook his head.  Flug stood there bewildered while he and his boss kept watching.

Dementia crawled up on the wall and began chasing Melanie around the ceiling while she continued to sing, “They're gonna come when you're not ready.  When you're not too well-prepared.  They're gonna prey upon your weakness, no man's soul is ever spared.  You've got to stand up, yeah, and fight them. Show them what it's all about.  This girl is not for sale!  There will be no backing down!  Stand up and fight!  And I'll stand up with you!  We will succeed!  Stand up and fight!  And I'll stand up with you!”

During the guitar solo, Melanie swiped her scythe towards Dementia’s feet making her jump, and of course, lose her grip on the ceiling causing her to fall on the floor behind the dumbfounded parents.

Melanie then dissolved her wings, flew around on her scythe for the duration of the guitar solo, and landed on Black Hat's desk singing the outro, “Stand up and fight!  And I'll stand up with you!  We will succeed!  Stand up and fight!  And I'll stand up with you!”

The music ended.  Melanie posed and stood there waiting for her parents to say something.

Finally, Faucheuse spoke, “Melanie, did you forget to take your medicine today?  There's something very wrong with you.  Your ADHD is out of control.”

Melanie’s mouth fell open in shock as her outfit and scythe vanished.  

Tears formed at the corner of her eyes as she quietly muttered, “What?”

Sante Muerte pulled his daughter off the desk while Black Hat glared angrily.

“Apologies, sir,” Santa Muerte said pushing his devastated daughter back into her seat.

“Wait,” Flug said.  “Your daughter has ADHD?”

“Yes, ever since she was little,” Faucheuse explained.  “Sometimes, it's hard to keep her under control.”

“What is that?” Dementia asked as she stood up and rubbed her head.

“Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder,” Flug explained.  “It's a mental disorder that causes a person to have little to no control over their focus, their emotions, the amount of energy they have, or their impulses.  A person with this disorder is more likely to be reckless.”

“But…” Melanie protested timidly.

“We thought we had her disorder under control with medication,” Santa Muerte interrupted as he and his wife returned to their seat.  “I guess we were wrong.  I'm sorry.  I suppose we really have been neglecting her.”

Black Hat flashed a wicked smile to Flug that allowed him to immediately catch on to his wicked train of thought, “Dr. Flug, is there anything we can do to help this girl?”

“Hmmm…” Flug said scratching the top of his paper bag.  “Okay, I'd like to recommend we try something, but we need your permission.”

“What is it?” Faucheuse asked.

“I'd like to keep your daughter here for the day under observation,” Flug said.  “Don't worry.  Your daughter will not be harmed at all.”

Melanie suddenly snapped out of her stupor feeling the righteous indignation rise inside her and yelled, “No.  No!  NO!  Are you crazy?!"

“The only one being crazy right now is you, Mija!” Santa Muerte retorted.  “I think this is exactly what we need.  What do you think, dear?”

Faucheuse looked sympathetically at Melanie before turning to Flug and saying, “Yes.  Let's see how this goes.”

“So, you're going to leave me alone with a crazy lizard lady, a mad scientist, and a demon?!” Melanie asked incredulously.

“Uh, I prefer the term ‘evil genius,’ Flug replied.  

“See?  He’s not even trying to deny it!” Melanie protested.

“What do we do first, Dr. Flug?” Santa Muerte asked ignoring his daughter’s protests.

“Well,” Flug said.  “If she's going to stay here, why don't you bring some of her belongings?  A change of clothes?  Maybe some snacks?  And of course, her medication.  You will be free to call me anytime while she's here.”

“We already brought her supplies just in case,” Faucheuse said turning to the door.  “Monsieur Ochocinco?”

Ochocinco came in sadly carrying Melanie's duffel bag that she still had packed from last night.  He gave Melanie an apologetic glance before lowering the duffel bag to the floor, bowing his head, and exiting the room.

“That should have everything she needs,” Faucheuse said.  “Now, where’s that paperwork?”

Black Hat summoned some check-in paperwork onto his desk and said, “I just need both parents to sign off on this.”

Flug glanced over the papers on the desk and said, “Yes, sign these papers authorizing us to have custody of your daughter until tomorrow morning.  Then list all her current allergies and medication. And agree that we are authorized to care for her. AndthatsheisnowownedbodyandsoulbyBlackHat.

“Bull!!!!” Melanie yelled.  “I know how your stupid contracts work. I can only make that agreement for myself.”

“You heard that?” Flug asked in surprise.

“Yes,” Faucheuse explained while looking up from reading the paperwork.  “Her disorder makes her more sensitive to sound and other stimuli.”

“Maman, arrête (Mom, stop it),” Melanie protested in French.  “Il va me blesser avec ton information (He is going to hurt me with your information).”

“Ça ira, Mélanie, » Faucheuse reassured.  « Ça ira. Je te promets (It will be okay, Mélanie. It will be okay. I promise).”

« Tu sais que c'est un mensonge! (You know that's a lie!)” Melanie protested.

“Melanie, we're not giving you a choice!” Santa Muerte chimed in.  “¡Esto es para tu propio bien! (This is for your own good!)”

“I seriously doubt that!” Melanie protested.  “Why are you doing this?!  Why can't you just accept me for who I am?!  I'm not evil.  So what?!”

“It's one thing to not be evil, but it's a whole other thing to be a hero!” Faucheuse argued.  “We still accept that you're our daughter and we want to help you!”

“But I love being a hero!” Melanie cried.  “I love serving the Lord.  I love my nun-ja sisters!  I love helping people!  It's who I am!  There's nothing wrong with me!  I don't need help.”

“I’d beg to differ,” Black Hat chimed in.

Faucheuse began tearing up and said, “Oh, what did we do wrong?  She really is completely a hero.”

Santa Muerte held his wife and said, “Ya, mi Amor (Now, my love), don't cry.  This is why we're here.”

“Don’t worry,” Flug reassured.  “Melanie will be in our capable hands.”

“No…” Melanie said with the tears flowing steadily out of her eyes.

Faucheuse pulled her daughter into a hug and said, "Don't worry, sweetie. Once you're re-educated, you will be much happier."

“I seriously doubt that!!!!” Melanie yelled pushing her mother off her.

“Oh, honey, maybe this is a bad idea,” Faucheuse said to her husband giving her daughter another hug.  “Look at how upset she's getting.”

“If the school refused to be hard on her, we must be in their place,” Santa Muerte said to his wife before looking at his daughter.  “Lo Siento, (I'm sorry) Melanie.”

“Emotional outbursts and tears are very common at this stage,” Flug reassured.  “Fixing her medication might help.”

“Of course,” Santa Muerte replied picking up the pen to sign the document.  “We will do what we can.”

Melanie broke out of her mother’s arms, got into Flug’s face, and yelled, “You're not going to treat me like a damn guinea pig!”

“That medicine helps you stay calm and focused, instead of jumping around the office like you just did,” Santa Muerte argued as he signed the documents and handed the pen to his wife.  “We are not treating you as a guinea pig.”

“Of course, we're not!  You shall be treated as our guest...” Black Hat said with a mischievous smile.  “…who can't leave for the day.”

Melanie glared at Black Hat and then looked back in horror as her mother also signed the documents.

“I'm glad we could come up with a solution for you,” Black Hat said.

Flug pressed a button on his watch calling 505 and asked, “505, would you come to Black Hat's office to help us escort a new patient?”

505 answered with affirmative grunts as Flug ended the call.

Melanie's parents encircled her in a hug as tears filled up her eyes.

“Now, remember to keep your phone charged,” Santa Muerte said before giving his daughter a kiss on the cheek.  “We'll be calling you after every meal and before you go to bed.  Te Quiero.  (I love you.)”

“Be sure to listen to Dr. Flug and Mr. Black Hat, ma fille,” Faucheuse said kissing her daughter on the other cheek.  “Be a good girl and text us if you need to talk. Ca ira, Melanie. Je t'aime aussi.  (It will be okay, Melanie.  I love you, too.)”

“Traitors,” Melanie managed to get out through her tears.  

Black Hat rolled his eyes and whispered to Flug, "Why do these parents always have to make it so dramatic?"

“We’ll come back in the morning, Melanie,” Santa Muerte said.

“505 will escort you, your daughter, and luggage to…” Flug paused.  “Hey, Jefe!  Which room are we giving Melanie?”

“That newly refurbished one, you fool!” Black Hat replied.  “You know the one that used to be for…”

“Ohhh...” Flug said understanding immediately.  “That one.  Okay.”

Melanie scowled at Flug and said, “If you think I'm going to willingly stay here, you've got another thing com-…”

Melanie paused when 505 appeared in the doorway.

“There, you are, 505,” Flug said happily.  “I'd like you to take Melanie to her room.  She's going to be...”

Flug was interrupted by Melanie squealing joyfully at the top of her lungs.

“OH, MY GOSH!  OH, MY GOSH!  OH, MY GOSH!  IT'S 505!” Melanie squealed phasing through her parents’ embrace with her Reaper powers, dashing past her chair to grab her shoes and purse, and running over to the confused blue bear.  “You're my favorite gamer ever!  I'm a huge fan!  I'm Melanie de la Muerte!  I watch all your streams!  I've seen all your videos!  You're so cool!  I can't believe I get to meet you in person!  This is simultaneously the worst and best day of my entire life!!!!!!!!  Can I take a selfie with you please?!”

505 smiled and nodded.

Melanie and 505 squished their faces together to take a series of selfie pictures on Melanie's phone.

“Thank you!” Melanie began chattering happily.  “I'm totally being forced to stay here against my will. I got in trouble for being a hero, so now, I have to be ‘observed,’ but having you here makes it like a billion times better already…”

Without warning, Melanie wrapped her arms as wide as she could around 505’s torso giving the bear a big hug.

“God bless you!” Melanie said warmly hugging the dumbfounded bear for a moment before she paused, let go, and anxiously made herself step away.  “Oh, I'm sorry. I should have asked first. I can be a bit over-eager and I know not everyone likes hugs and my parents get onto me about being awkward like that so...”

505 smiled and held Melanie in a warm embrace interrupting her nervous ramble.

“Awww!  You really are the sweetest bear ever!” Melanie said with relief in her voice before remembering something important and jumping out of 505’s arms.  “Hey! Your games are all here and you're streaming today, right?!”

505 responded with a nod.

Melanie gasped and said, “Can I join you?!  Do you mind?!”

505 excitedly nodded enjoying the attention this girl was freely giving him.  He got on all fours and signaled for her to ride on his back.

“Oh, my gosh!  I can't believe this is happening!” Melanie yelled excitedly dropping her phone in her purse, putting her knapsack on her back, quickly hugging her parents, and climbing onto 505’s back.  “This is so cool!!!!!!!”

505 began frolicking down the hall as all the dumbfounded villains crowded around the doorway and watched bear ride away with Melanie.  

“Bye, Mom and Dad!” Melanie yelled as she and 505 disappeared down the hall.  “I'll see you tomorrow!  This is going to be one of the greatest days of my life!!!!  I have to tell all my friends!!!!”

Everyone continued to stand there until Melanie and 505 had vanished.

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Tess you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Alastor Moody!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

Alastor is a character that I know we have all been keen to see on the dash, even more so when it means an old member is returning to us! Your app was fantastic and went into such detail that it gave us a really clear idea of who he is as a person and what motivates him, it was truly a pleasure to read! I don’t think I can pick out just one thing that I loved when all of it was so wonderful, from the expansion of his traits to the writing sample and his reaction to the most recent plot drop it was all so well thought out and developed. We’re thrilled to have you bakc, Tess! *your faceclaim change to Gael García Bernal has been accepted

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Tess, 21 years old, she/her, pacific time, USA.

ACTIVITY

I’m not going back to school until the fall so I have more time than originally expected. I’m able to log in daily, since the threads on this group tend to be on the longer side I’m contemplating I’ll be able to get at least one reply a day.

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

I’m a former member but originally through the tags.

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

Hedwig because I too would die for Harry Potter. No but really I think I identify the most with Bill Weasley, mainly because I always liked the career of curse breaker and I think that going far away from the family to do something he loved was amazing (and brave).

ANYTHING ELSE?

I’m really hoping to get accepted again. I had an amazing time when I was part of this amazing group last time. I’ve been feeling a little out of it since the baby came and the doctor recommended I do something I love, and getting to write with you all is really one of my favorite things in the world. I hope I get to be a part of this group again!

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Alastor Moody

Alastor: Ancient Greek for “he who does not forget”. Thus “avenger”, “persecutor”, “tormenter”, “one who suffers from divine vengeance”. Which is rather fitting as he made a career out of putting bad guys in jail, when failing to stop them before hurting innocent he made sure to avenge those lives that were lost.

Moody: Temperamental.

FACE CLAIM

Matt Ryan, or Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, or a POC rec from you. Honestly I would be willing to work with whoever you see fit.

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

I have always been a fan of Alastor, I just never had the confidence of playing him before. But with this plot, and everything going on, I couldn’t let the opportunity pass. There’s something about how the order is going to deal with Aversio. Slowly coming to the realization that it is because in a way they were not getting results that this other group decided to come into action. And then there’s the ministry, specially the aurors. I want to have a chance to explore Alastor’s feelings, how he questions if they have been doing a good job training the new recruits. He is going to be set on the fact that Aversio does more harm than good, but there’s going to be something reminding him that if only they had acted sooner, all of this could’ve been prevented. Plus, the paranoia is only going to grow, he now realizes that there’s definitely no one he could trust, he could very well be surrounded by enemies. I felt drawn towards him because he is a good guy through and through, his methods might not be the best, and he is not the nicest guy around, he’s far from it, but he knows what path he wants to follow, he has a clear objective in mind. I hope I get to do him justice the same way he seeks to achieve justice for all those who have been wronged.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

I’m all for Alastor/Chemistry if the opportunity presents. Alastor is way too paranoid to let himself be vulnerable, but with the right development I’ll be on board with a ship. My anti-ship would be something out of character for Alastor, like death eaters. Alastor is a cis-male and uses he/him pronouns.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

-A MOODBOARD ( here )

-AN AESTHETIC ( here )

-A PLAYLIST

For Those Below – Mumford & Sons

Pompeii – Bastille

You Are a Runner, and I Am My Father’s Son - Wolf Parade

Barton Hollow – The Civil Wars

Beat The Devil’s Tattoo - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Warrior - Disturbed

Fears - Serj Tankian

The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance – Vampire Weekend

When The War Came - The Decemberists

Seven Devils – Florence + The Machine

Ready! Aim! Fire! – Imagine Dragons

Knights of Cydonia – Muse

The General - Dispatch

Broken Road - Sully Erna

Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford & Sons

-EXPAND ON THE TRAITS ( and here’s a character tropes edit )

✓ Hard-working. He comes from a family of Aurors, both his parents as per canon were Aurors, and I feel like that gives us a glimpse into his early life. It’s like coming from a family of cops, there’s a need to prove you too can achieve greatness while at the same time showing people you have earned the right to where you are, and that it wasn’t given to you because of your family. So Alastor works harder than anyone, since he demands that from people he leads by example.

✓ Great mentor. He will never be one to sugar coat things, but he knows the right way to encourage people. He wants to train London’s best, and he would try his best to make sure that happens. He guides by example, and tries to keep everyone under his watch alive.

✓ Persevering. Linked with hard-work, perseverance is something in Alastor’s nature, he never gives up despite everything that has happened to him. Despite everything that’s happening in the world he will keep pushing forward.

✓ Open-minded. There’s nothing he hasn’t seen, and still believes there’s more to see. Moody likes to keep an open mind, would always listen to someone before making a decision, he’s never one to be prejudiced, as that is what’s killing this society.

✕ Harsh. Greatness is not achieved by babying people, Alastor believes in though love, it’s how he was raised. He has never been one to be tactful and is not going to start now.

✕ Gruff. Life made Alastor into a bitter person, he sounds like he’s always mad, even if deep down he cares about everyone around him, he knows it’s best to keep a rough front.

✕ Paranoid. When someone has lived what he has they would have no trouble believing that is best to be wary and not trust anything or anyone. He is constantly worried someone is going to try and kill him or worst betray him.

✕ Anti-social. He prefers to keep people at arms length, after all no one knows when is the last time he’s going to see them.

-A FEW POTENTIAL PLOT POINTS

connections & wanted plots

&&. KEEP ME GROUNDED Is not that Alastor forgets social niceties and manners, is that he just couldn’t care less whether people likes him or not. Which only leads to him coming off as a straight up asshole on his worse days, and a paranoid grump on a daily basis. He could use someone he respects and is strong enough to call him out when he’s being a jerk. To point out where the line is, and making it clear that it is not okay to cross it.

&&. BROTHERS IN ARMS You are only as good as the person fighting next to you. Someone Alastor had grown to respect and rely on. They might not always have a heart-to-heart about their feelings, but this is one of the few people Alastor knows he can turn to. Whether sharing drinks or just being there for each other, this is one of the few people Alastor can honestly say he trusts.

&&. SURE I’LL TEACH YOU Alastor has a hard time believing anyone in their right mind would chose him as a mentor. The role of mentor and teacher coming easy to him despite originally having being appointed head of the department because there were no other options around. Alastor stepped into the role and with each passing generation he gets better at preparing aurors. Now with the order he had also taken the responsibility to get them ready for a fight he wished they never had to fight. Alastor is always willing to work with anyone who wants to be better prepared and work on refining their technique.

&&. JUST PROMISE YOU WON’T END UP LIKE ME Callous grumpy nature aside, Alastor is a mentor at heart, and sometimes even if it surprises everyone around, he might end up giving some advice to those brave enough to bring up discussing their feelings with him. Rumor says the best time to approach him is when he’s drinking, that’s when he’s more at ease, he might even pour you one. OPEN

&&. FIGHT ME It’s not that he lives to make enemies, that’s just something that happens from time to time. With the wizarding society hanging by a fine thread, and Alastor living up to his last name every day of the week, everyone could easily fall into this category. Whether this is someone who annoys him, like a fellow ministry employee, or someone Alastor would love to punch their teeth out if the opportunity ever were to arise.

&&. NOTHING LEFT TO SAY BUT GOODBYE Alastor was born and raised into the pureblood life. His parents were never pureblood elitists, and coming from a long line of Aurors they had an impeccable reputation. His family was murdered before any of them could be labeled blood traitors. At sixteen Alastor was left to carry one a family legacy. He cultivated many friendships through his childhood and early years in Hogwarts. Some of those friends, that he once considered family, have now turned out to be on the other side of the war. What happens when the person you would take a hit for is the one pointing the wand at you?

&&. I WOULD FOR YOU Alastor’s family was taken from him in the blink of an eye. For years he convinced himself that caring for anyone was only going to end in pain and heartbreak. Despite having friends that he cared for and loved, he always tried to push them and keep them at arms length. After a failed engagement he accepted the fact that he was not meant to have a family. Always the man with the plan, he failed to prepare for what would happen when they wrapped their small hand on his finger. Alastor might never have children of his own, but family has always been about more than blood.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:

“This one is easy. A truth spell. And not like that veritaserum rubbish. We all know that bloody thing doesn’t work. But with a proper truth spell, interrogations would go smoothly. And it won’t just benefit the department, but people who are wrongly accused would have a better chance at clearing their name. Of course it should only be used with regulations, there should be training, an official team like the obliviators. Just think about how much good a truth spell could do.”

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you:

“I see the tactical advantage of having someone when you venture into the Forbidden Forest, but I wouldn’t risk anyone’s life, but if I have to name someone I would pick Minerva or Kingsley. And I’ll take my invisibility cloak.”

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?

“All decisions are difficult to make. But the hardest ones are probably the ones where the only choices you have are bad choices. Because you still have to choose. You still have to make a decision.”

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you?

“Why would I bloody care about what people say about me? People are always going to say things about you, no matter what you do. Good things or bad things. You are still going to be judged. You can’t let that stop ya.”

Alastor shifted a little before adding, “…that I didn’t try.”

REACTION TO LAST EVENT DROP

Is no secret that Alastor was never fond of the Ministry of Magic, he never cared much for the bureaucracy and the red tape, but he had been hopeful that with Millicent in charge things would change for the better. The auror department on the other hand, well that was his entire life. Every single person in that office was his responsibility, and Alastor was not there for them. Alastor’s paranoia is through the roof, knowing that Aversio stemmed from the order had already made him doubt everyone around him, but when it was clear that the initial attack to the Ministry had to be aided by someone in the aurors’ department, well that just made him mistrust his own shadow. Alastor is angry, and more determined than ever to put and end to the war. He might not be entirely convinced about letting aversio members join the order, but at least he can keep a close eye on them. After the attack on St. Mungos he’s starting to reconsider his stance on non-lethal, because arresting people is not going to be enough, specially since the death eaters are in power and he knows there’s no way to get justice unless they make their own.

WRITING SAMPLE

They were failing. That much was clear. And in the long list of categories under which a failure could fall, their failures were the worst kind. People were dying left and right. A hate group and a terrorist organization fighting for control, meanwhile the Ministry could barely hold together, let alone put out so many fires. And the order. The order was filled with well intentioned people, kids really, they were mostly kids who had wanted to do good and ended up having to fight a war against two ruthless enemies. If fighting one group had proved to be hard, now, after what Alastor had learned. A house divided could not stand. Aversio had infiltrated the order, that much was clear, and now Alastor could not help but wonder, if the death eaters had someone on the inside too. Concentrating on those particular thoughts were simply maddening. He would rather not think about it, but if he didn’t, then no one would. There was something about human nature that refused to believe someone you care for could betray you. Life had thought Alastor better. Anyone can turn on you at any moment, people are capable of doing all kinds of things under the right pressures. Loyalty for many was a matter of circumstance. There was of course a few that were loyal, to the cause, the people they loved. Those were the ones in the most danger. The ones he worried the most about. And out of those only a few he could really trust. Trust being a term he had not used in a while, and that he was sure he wasn’t using properly. These were difficult times for trust.

Alastor could no longer remember when going to work was just going to work. When it was boring and bureaucratic, and he had to write reports, and his only concern was making sure the trainees completed the program. Now every day was a new tragedy, a new horror to be seen, analyzed, pictures taken and pinned to a wall. Alastor still remembered the day everything changed. And no, it wasn’t the day they told him he had lost his entire family. That had been so long ago, at times he even believed that the person he was at sixteen, before that, didn’t really exist, had not really existed. No. The day everything changed had been but a few years ago. At the time he had been mad, annoyed was more like it, that the auror department had been called into that crime scene when it had been cleared of any dark magic. The auror department was supposed to chase and capture dark wizards and witches, not waste their time with common crimes. But upon arriving Alastor realized that there was something far more dark, something that was about to change their lives.

“Do we keep track of hate crimes?” Alastor had asked, confusion was the only answer he got, “we should start” he had said looking at the crime scene in front of him.

He had been right, everything had changed. A war had started and it had not slowed down. And since that moment the auror department had handled the cases that had fallen under the criteria of the thing propelling this war. Hate.

It was a misconception that people got used to it. Seeing a crime scene, specially one where it’s clear how much hate was behind it. It’s a lie. No matter how many times you walk into a scene there’s a moment when you wonder how can people be capable of so much hate. There’s a moment when for a split of second you wonder what’s the point of fighting back, if all that’s inside someone’s heart is hate. But then the fog clears, and the realization that the point of fighting back if so that this doesn’t happen again. So that the next family is saved from this fate, so that the next person walking alone in an alley makes it home. It felt as if he had not slept in days, but before he could rest, Alastor knew he had to eat. He was in the middle of making diner, and some extra meals he could store for the upcoming days, when he heard a knock. The alarm had not been raised, there was only a handful of people that would be allowed near the perimeter without the defense charms going off. Alastor crossed the room in a few strides and opened the door. Panic was the first thing that came to mind, people usually sent word that they were coming, “is everything okay?” he asked as soon as he opened the door.

//SAMPLE TWO

Alastor let out an annoyed huff. He had been waiting for more than ten minutes now, talk about these people having little regard of the time of others. As he looked around it was more and more evident that he did not belong here, he was not made for this sort of job, he was the kind of person to be out there, getting his hand dirty, doing real work, he had never wanted any of this. A few days ago an owl had arrived at the Ministry, it had been carrying a very urgent letter, it requested Alastor’s presence immediately. He figured it must had been someone high up on the command chain, as he had never been one of the Ministry’s favorites, and yet he had been ordered to leave for America at once. He had offered many good reasons as to why leaving in the middle of the current situation was a bad idea, but as always he had been tasked to do the trip anyways. At least he made it clear that he was not going to play along or be nice to whoever was waiting for him. He was not one to care about diplomacy when they had so more pressing issues at hand. Now as he waited in this pristine lobby, full of people is expensive suits, he was glad he didn’t have to work here. One look at him was enough to figure out how much of an outsider he was, at least back at London people were not as elegant as the ones here. Honestly it was baffling to picture them working on such fine clothing, but then again Alastor had never been one to dress so fine, even as a child, even at the request of his parents, he had always done as he pleased. Being the youngest of four sons gave him a little bit of leeway when it came to getting away with things. But that was before he had lost his entire family, now there was no one but him, all alone in the world.

“Alastor Moody” a voice called, a very familiar voice, one that Alastor hoped he would never hear again, one he feared he was never going to hear again. “Clarissa?” he asked turning to look at the approaching figure, she was just as he remembered her and so different at the same time. The light coming in through the elegant and unnecessary, they provided an exposed lobby, glass windows hitting her just right to make her look like an angel. He quickly got rid of those thoughts, they belonged to someone long forgotten, the person he used to be. “I wasn’t even sure you were going to show up” she said with a half smile. “It’s not like I was able to refuse, I assumed the sender was well connected, as they didn’t even listen to my complaints” Alastor informed her. “Please follow me” she asked before Moody walked behind her.

They got to her office and Alastor started to list all the things she could do to improve security, she had left so many weak spots, it was during his assessment that he almost missed the way she was extremely closed to him. “What are you doing?” he demanded walking away from her, “What do you think? I’m giving you a hug, I haven’t seen you in years, I’ve missed you Alastor” Clarissa told him in a confused voice. “Need I remind you whose fault that is?” he said harshly, “I’m not the one that left.” Alastor had never been one to pick the right words, he mostly said whatever came to mind, what he was feeling, not caring how it sounded, he always spoke the truth. A hurt looked crossed Clarissa’s features, she never quite had a chance to see this new Alastor, it was hard to her to hear him sound so, bitter. “I know that, I know that I made the choice and I can’t take that back, but how could I’ve stayed Alastor? I couldn’t, not after- not when they all-” he watched her struggled for the right words, “when they all died?” he finished for her. “When they were murdered” she argued back, “how could I stay and live a life they were never get to live?” she said in almost a whisper. “Bloody hell Clarissa, I never asked you to stay so we would get married and have a family, I wanted you to stay so I wouldn’t walk into that place, into those empty cubicles, and miss our friends on my own” Alastor admitted.

The mood had grown tense; it was like even a word would set off everything they had been keeping in for years. They had survived when their friends had not, that tended to do something to people, even when they ought to have stayed together they instead had only drifted apart. “Why did you called me here Clarissa?” Alastor asked wanting to get this over with, “Because you are the best” she told him in a firm voice. “That’s not true, you know that’s not true, you know that the only reason I have this job is because there was no one else around to take it, had you stayed it would’ve been you. It would’ve been you the one to have to watch new kids sit where our friends sat, do you know how many kids I’ve trained?” Alastor asked angrily, “how many kids have not made it? How many of the ones I’m currently training remind me of them, of us? Do you? Do you know what it is to wonder if they are going to end the same way? Of course not, because you left, because you ran away and turned your back on us” he finally admitted.

“You are right I don’t” Clarissa spoke with a pain in her tone, “but I couldn’t stay” she said prompting Moody to scoff, “it was because of me that we survived Alastor. It was because of me that we weren’t with the others when- when they were murdered. How do you think that makes me feel? You were always giving work your best, you wanted to go, to get there on time, but I didn’t. I convinced you to stay, to- If we had not been so-” she shook her head, “irresponsible” Alastor said sarcastically. “So stupidly naïve to think we could have made it, if we had not been so” Clarissa looked at him to see if he knew what she was trying to say, he dared her to finish her thought, “so in love” she finally said, “we would’ve been there with them.” Alastor scoffed again, “and do what? Like two teenagers would’ve faired better than more trained Aurors in that ambush, our friends died, our mentors died, everybody that was there died, it was a trap, a set-up. What do you think we would’ve been able to do if we had been there?” he demanded. “Die with them!” Clarissa said before bringing her hands to cover her mouth.

“Why am I here Clarissa?” Alastor asked again, “I have a feeling that you telling me that you wish we had died is not the reason I’m here” he said with a smirk. “I left London in the middle of crisis, and like I said I was thrust into a job I never wanted to do, but I still have a responsibility to my people.” Clarissa reached for some files and handed them to Moody, “Whatever is happening back home” she said and Alastor scoffed, “yes London is still my home, it will always be my home” she stated, “whatever is happening, is spreading. There have been some cases of no-maj, muggles, getting killed by magical means” she said as he combed through the files, “the ideology is spreading, we need to put an end to this Alastor.” Moody nodded, “I appreciate you telling me about this. I have no doubt you know how to take care of your people, I need to go take care of mine. I’ll appoint someone to stay in touch with you about any developments, I will put an end to this. Take care Clarissa.” Alastor gave her a nod before walking out of her office. Coming to America had been a mistake, but at least it had added a new sense of purpose, to stop this madness from spreading, they had to kill it at the root. Once he was back he was not going to rest until every single person responsible was caught. Alastor had already lost everything once, he was not going to lose anyone else.

[queendopamine]

System conversation

We haven’t had one of these in awhile. But I can tell someone, whoever, I don’t know is trying to talk on the inside. So I let them talk and I did my best to transcribe later who might have said it. I realize this may only benefit me to see this, but in case you’re wondering about doing it for yourself I encourage you to let your alters talk/write freely and record what they’re saying, even if you’re not sure who it is. Invite them to a safe space where they may speak and then listen.

Carly (internal therapist/moderator of sorts): I can tell you two need to talk.

Rita (the organizer/planner): Hey, I don’t understand why I can’t lead these meetings or moderate discussions.

Carly: Okay, if you’d like to, you can.

Rita: It’s just. I don’t see why the task falls to you all the time. No offense, but I’m extremely capable and I deal with a lot of issues externally and internally. You don’t even front. Again, no offense. Not really about you, I’m just saying. What’s wrong with me.

Carly: Nothing is wrong with you, Rita. Nothing at all is wrong with you. You have many strengths and talents. You would be great at leading meetings and discussions. In fact, you have in the past and you’ve done great at it.

Rita: [unsure what she really does or says in response to that directly] I think we are greatly in need of some structure. We need to prioritize making a schedule and incorporating a solid system of recovery-based tools and techniques into our daily lives. We’ve slacked on even using the Pacifica app. We have had the best of intentions in doing some co-dependency/addiction workbooks. And even though we now are in possession of our own laptop, we have failed to delve into further online self-help worksheets and tools. Lest we forget the whole DBT-inspired toolkit we were going to do.

Alex (protector): Oh, my God. Rita. Girl, I know you mean well. I know you really do, you’ve gotta understand where we’re coming from. Jessica’s in school for Christ’s sake. Trying to hold down a job, take care of a kid, and keep up with all these projects. You’ve got to prioritize things here.

Rita: Oh, so mental health and getting better isn’t a priority?

Chelsea (teen, trauma-free, “normal” one): I think we’ve made significant progress. If you look back on the old conversations, you guys don’t fight nearly as much. 

Carly: No, no they don’t. That’s an excellent observation. There’s a lot less turmoil and angst... but. I hesitate to say that you are anywhere near healed or recovered.

Chelsea: I mean, true. But it’s great what we’ve done so far and stuff so like I think it’s cool. Plus we deserve self-care and we deserve to prioritize school and family and maybe put that other stuff on hold for awhile.

Kat (persecutor): Oh, what the fuck do you even know about recovery? You didn’t even experience trauma!

Carly: But she wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for trauma. She’s not naive to the situation, Kat. 

Rita: Can we get back on track here? Yeah, we’re all busy. Yes, Jessica has a lot going on. Whatever. I get it. But can we please make some sort of a plan?

Alex: Rita, you can make whatever plan you want, but until you cut us a little slack, I don’t know how much cooperation you’re going to get. Kat will just sabotage you.

Kat: Hah, like you won’t?

Rita: Okay, you two. Can we work on something that everyone can be happy with?

Carly: May I interject?

Rita: Fine, okay. 

Carly: Making a structured plan is good, but there is some truth to what Alex is saying. Until other deeper needs are met--needs of the system--you won’t get very far. 

Rita: So what should I do? Just ask everyone what they want or need?

Carly: You could start that way.

Kat: Would you just let her run the fucking meeting, Rita? This is taking way longer.

[Rita is annoyed and frustrated] 

Carly: It’s fine. She’s doing great. It’s okay. My suggestion is that you could go around and ask everyone what they would want or need, but it might be easier if you let them all express it in their own time, in their own way. Some might use online sources and create collages or journal entries that way. Others may prefer to write it down on pen and paper. Others may want to just find pictures on a social media tool, or in magazines, and connect with it emotionally without a specific record-keeping of it. That’s where you would come in though--you’re naturally talented at record-keeping.

Rita: Okay. I’ll do that, I guess. So if I can’t get my structured schedule today then I relinquish the meeting back to you. But I don’t think I need to stay.

Carly: It’s a system meeting. You’re part of the system. I think it’s good for everyone to be here.

Kat: Jesus Christ. Do all the meetings have to start off like this? Can we just fucking get to it?

Carly: Okay then. The main reason we are here is that there are those of us inside with a voice and those of us without one. Some may be scared to come forward, some may not know how to express themselves. This is a place for you to express yourself. 

[no one speaks; uncomfortable silence]

Sophia (ageslider, also a persecutor. Linked closely with Kat for some reason. Or maybe she poses as Kat. It’s really hard for me to tell for sure): I want to know why Alex and Kat just fucking disappeared lately. You guys won’t even come to the front! Leaving all the big, scary, difficult stuff to weaker, more broken parts of the system who can’t handle it! What the hell guys? 

[no one knows what to say]

i don’t know who i am sometimes. A lot of times. I don’t know what to do or say or where i’m going. I’ve lost a lot of the brazen anger and blind hate. i’ve conquered some demons but released new ones. i’ve hidden from the truth or i’ve exposed it until the light caused me to cast myself aside. in reality, i am a piteous coward of a man. i belong in the dungeon beneath. i belong on the cast off part. For what was once strong and formidable now feels weakened and fake. If you shine a light on it, it will look gray and contaminated. It will look contrived and staged. I am no more than a pawn. I am no more than an empty vessel. I am no more. 

Things feel different. I can’t tell you why or how. They just are. Things that weren’t always scary are now scary. Things that used to be scary no longer are. I fear facing my own true soul. I fear the wrath and judgment of others. I don’t fear the future. I don’t even fear death. I only fear myself. A chaotic storm used to rage inside of me. I used to not understand it. Now I do. But in its wake, I am left a hollow shell. I’m picking up the pieces that used to be here, but I don’t know what to do with them. I’d like to find me, but even if I did, I wouldn’t know her well enough. So maybe I’ll create a new identity. Maybe I’ll be just whoever I want. Oh the places I could go, the things I could do! No one could stop me. I’ll take all my money and go on a great journey. I’ll buy all the luxuries I’ve never had. I’ll bask in the sun, I’ll meet new people, and I will experience true joy and peace. Or maybe I won’t. Breaking myself down to fight all those bad habits and leftover flaws didn’t make me happier. It didn’t make me much wiser. It didn’t make me love myself or those around me. It just made me feel weak and unprotected. I need a new route. I need a new weapon. I need a new place to call home, too, while we’re at it.

It looks like we’ve got work to do. If you work a little, then I’ll work, too.